Journal

Journal

Another diary day i guess. I really do not have much in mind to say but am not falling asleep like i would like to be so off i go to speak about who knows what ..

Tonight we went to my uncle's house to visit with some of Dad's cousins who he has not seen for many years, it was the fist time i met them, so that was very nice to meet them. My family is such wonderful cooks so the food was obviously delicious!! Always a joy to break a diet for any of their cooking lol.  

Jamie is now sound asleep and snoring comfortably beside me .. i usually roll him on his side and he stops but my little Mousie cat is laying on top of him and looks so peaceful, so i think i will leave them both be for now lol .. wow when i wrote that he got a lot louder haha .. oh my .

I am now reading Proverbs ... which if i do say so myself is pretty darn cool!! I am very excited that I have stuck to it and am over half way done reading the whole Bible!! Page 557 out of 1098 :o) I really enjoy reading Proverbs it is giving me a great footing on what to actually pray for .. sometimes i wonder if i am really asking God for what i should be asking Him for .. I am learning the best thing to gain is wisdom, which does make total sense .. after all what i want most in life is to be closer to Him, and be doing what He created for me to be doing in the first place!!

Mom would of really enjoyed seeing Dad's cousins today .. she ALWAYS enjoyed getting together with the family, so i am happy that i am at least going now, she would be proud of me for that. It would of been much easier to do with her here, but i was foolish .. so all I can do now is to enjoy the company of people who Mom ( and me too ) loves and who loves us. Very proud of my family, very proud to be apart of it, God sure does love me!!

I have been debating on putting in an application for a part time job, since the babysitting one did not seem to work in my favor .. however the doctor has  put me on some medication to hopefully help me get a little bun in my oven lol .. so am thinking focusing on that may be the most appropriate option for me at this time .. sure would be nice to be working again though, I would also love to get my GED to take some steps to get closer to be an LPN.. that all seems so far fetched for me but if it is meant to be and i put the work into it, nothing is impossible .. so i hear ;o)

Well I thought this was erased but it is still here so I will end it now a few days later because I already wrote another blog tonight :o) Take care all .. until next erased blog .. 

Heart on my sleeve

Heart On My Sleeve

Well tonight's blog will basically be about anything that comes to my mind. So another journal entry perhaps. 

I have been thinking a lot about how different people deal with the loss of a loved one. Some people are so quiet about it, and although you know they are hurting inside they just do not seem to scream for help. They appear very calm and collect .. while others (aka: me) are very openly in pain.

Now I do understand that how people perceive you can have a huge impact on how you behave, or what you put out there, but for me, I couldn't care less. For every person who cares about you, is another telling you to get a grip. There is no possible way to please everyone .. no matter how "great" you are there is always someone who will look at you like you are a tool. No matter how much of a tool you are, there is always someone who could only hope to be in your shoes.

I know that as someone who believes in God's promises that I can not grieve as if I have no hope, because I know I will see my Mother again .. i just miss her now, every single day, and I will never stop until the day she is holding me in her arms. I do not know how someone can lose a loved one with out hope and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, I would not be able to just carry on each day, not knowing I will live in eternity, to never hurt or lose again. Thank you to my beautiful parents for raising me to know and experience God's love. Without it, I would never have made it this far!!

I am very open and honest about who I am, I am not ashamed by any means. I have huge regrets about choices I have made, and for some of the things I have done, but I am forgiven .. sometimes it is hard to grasp that Jesus can forgive me, but I have struggled to forgive myself.

I don't know why I blog and put my heart out there in this world .. nor do I care. When my time on earth is finished I can safely say I was not ashamed. Not ashamed of my Savior .. and not ashamed of myself.

Have you ever felt as if you were trying sooo hard to talk someone into something, but it was just not getting through to them?? I  will always remember my Daddy telling me, if you can talk someone into it, then someone else can talk them out of it!! So I try to apply that to my life, I can tell someone something that I may have experienced or that I may have seen, and want so bad for them to know and feel the same thing, but all I can do is share and then be available if ever they want or need me .. and if not then that is ok, because I know I did what I was suppose to do. 

I guess my mind is starting to go in different directions, but I am having a hard time falling asleep tonight, yet again, so it is what it is. 

I also think a lot about "friendship" .. now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who love and care for me, but to me, one way to describe friendship is .. Jamie. He is a person who loved me though everything .. and i mean EVERYTHING, i tried my best to push him away (without realizing that was what i was doing) but no matter what i did, he always seen the good in me. He always believed in me. Through everything that I have been dealing with recently, no matter how "good" i may appear, he will always ask me how I am really doing, and what he can do to make my day better .. and this is after he works all day and not always under the best circumstances for himself. NEVER once does he make how he feels a priority .. he is so much like Mom in that way, no wonder i love him so dearly!! 

I am not neglecting to speak of certain people .. like i said i am very blessed with wonderful people, and i am thankful to you all, but for the moment, I  really want to say thank you to my cousin Laura. I know I do not need to be anyone but myself in front of you, you always seem to find just the right scripture at just the right time. I am not going to get too mushy I just want you to know how much your unconditional support and understanding has meant to me .. through all my awkward and bright red moments (lol) you never made me feel any less. You wrote that Mom was always a safe place for you .. but you are my safe place, and I am thanking you for the both of us, because only Mom understood  just how much I need that safe place.  Thankful for you Orsh .. 

Now that I embarrassed her, lol .. my blog is now complete .. until next blog ..

Social Anxiety the lies we believe

Social Anxiety

Today I felt the need to blog about social anxiety. It is something that most people do not understand .. they just can not "get it" and that makes complete sense because people with it,can not understand it either!!

Now in my own experience I find it to be all lies to keep me from getting to where I was created to be. It is a hold on my life that God wants me to surrender to Him. I have to trust Him, in order for me to get better!! 

I have been told time after time to take mind-altering medications that will help to equal out the "chemical imbalance" that is supposedly going on in my brain. That is simply not an option for me!! If a person with social anxiety can find a doctor who specializes in social anxiety they will learn that cognitive-behavioral therapy is a much more effective and safer way to go about getting this under control. Your mind can play many tricks on you, the Devil will stop at nothing to find your weakness and tell you lies so that you will not amount to what God intended for your life!! Yeah here goes Rose preaching again, but it is true!!  

*The physiological manifestations that accompany social anxiety may include intense fear, racing heart, turning red or blushing, excessive sweating, dry throat and mouth, trembling, swallowing with difficulty, and muscle twitches.*  That is no way for anyone to live ..   *A specific social anxiety would be the fear of speaking in front of groups, whereas generalized social phobia indicates that the person is anxious, nervous, and uncomfortable in almost all social situations.* *People with social anxiety disorder know that their anxiety is irrational and does not make "head" sense. Nevertheless, "knowing" something is never the same thing as "believing" and "feeling" something.* 

I have chosen a site that reflects how I feel about social anxiety and that is where I am getting those facts from:  http://www.social-anxiety-network.com/define.html ... However I also know that if a person does nothing to correct it, that this issue can easily become worse and also become an excuse, it can let you "off the hook" in situations you simply do not want to face, or responsibilities you do not want to embrace. It was not until I had to be there for my precious Mother that I realized just how much I let that take away any of my ambition, desires, motivation and even security that were actually still very prevalent in my life. I believed the lies that were being told to me and actually started to embrace them because it allowed me to not feel responsible for the things in life I had CHOSEN not to do.

 I still struggle with social anxiety, but after having to be out of my comfort zone everyday I know that I am more then capable to be the person who I really want to be .. I am one who may benefit from cognitive therapy because of my blushing .. lol .. but I do know .. that if a person with social anxiety will only allow themselves to get better .. will FORCE themselves to get better .. by praying and spending time with God, reading the Bible, and getting good solid positive words in their heart and mind daily .. by taking even just small little steps by stepping out of their house, or making a phone call to some they trust .. simple little things like that to remind yourself of what you are missing, which is so much more then you may realize .. I realized it the hard way .. when it was too late, I can not make up the time I missed sitting with Mom at church, and listening to her silly remarks Christmas eve .. I missed out on VERY precious times I could of enjoyed with my beautiful Mother. 

I guess what my heart is trying to get out, is life is soooo short!! Social anxiety is NOT something that should rule your life, It is beatable if you truly want it to be .. when I was at my worst with it,no one could talk me out of it .. and I so wish I would of listened, I would do anything to have those days back so I could spend that time I will forever miss. 

~Until next blog ...~