Heart on my sleeve

Heart On My Sleeve

Well tonight's blog will basically be about anything that comes to my mind. So another journal entry perhaps. 

I have been thinking a lot about how different people deal with the loss of a loved one. Some people are so quiet about it, and although you know they are hurting inside they just do not seem to scream for help. They appear very calm and collect .. while others (aka: me) are very openly in pain.

Now I do understand that how people perceive you can have a huge impact on how you behave, or what you put out there, but for me, I couldn't care less. For every person who cares about you, is another telling you to get a grip. There is no possible way to please everyone .. no matter how "great" you are there is always someone who will look at you like you are a tool. No matter how much of a tool you are, there is always someone who could only hope to be in your shoes.

I know that as someone who believes in God's promises that I can not grieve as if I have no hope, because I know I will see my Mother again .. i just miss her now, every single day, and I will never stop until the day she is holding me in her arms. I do not know how someone can lose a loved one with out hope and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, I would not be able to just carry on each day, not knowing I will live in eternity, to never hurt or lose again. Thank you to my beautiful parents for raising me to know and experience God's love. Without it, I would never have made it this far!!

I am very open and honest about who I am, I am not ashamed by any means. I have huge regrets about choices I have made, and for some of the things I have done, but I am forgiven .. sometimes it is hard to grasp that Jesus can forgive me, but I have struggled to forgive myself.

I don't know why I blog and put my heart out there in this world .. nor do I care. When my time on earth is finished I can safely say I was not ashamed. Not ashamed of my Savior .. and not ashamed of myself.

Have you ever felt as if you were trying sooo hard to talk someone into something, but it was just not getting through to them?? I  will always remember my Daddy telling me, if you can talk someone into it, then someone else can talk them out of it!! So I try to apply that to my life, I can tell someone something that I may have experienced or that I may have seen, and want so bad for them to know and feel the same thing, but all I can do is share and then be available if ever they want or need me .. and if not then that is ok, because I know I did what I was suppose to do. 

I guess my mind is starting to go in different directions, but I am having a hard time falling asleep tonight, yet again, so it is what it is. 

I also think a lot about "friendship" .. now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who love and care for me, but to me, one way to describe friendship is .. Jamie. He is a person who loved me though everything .. and i mean EVERYTHING, i tried my best to push him away (without realizing that was what i was doing) but no matter what i did, he always seen the good in me. He always believed in me. Through everything that I have been dealing with recently, no matter how "good" i may appear, he will always ask me how I am really doing, and what he can do to make my day better .. and this is after he works all day and not always under the best circumstances for himself. NEVER once does he make how he feels a priority .. he is so much like Mom in that way, no wonder i love him so dearly!! 

I am not neglecting to speak of certain people .. like i said i am very blessed with wonderful people, and i am thankful to you all, but for the moment, I  really want to say thank you to my cousin Laura. I know I do not need to be anyone but myself in front of you, you always seem to find just the right scripture at just the right time. I am not going to get too mushy I just want you to know how much your unconditional support and understanding has meant to me .. through all my awkward and bright red moments (lol) you never made me feel any less. You wrote that Mom was always a safe place for you .. but you are my safe place, and I am thanking you for the both of us, because only Mom understood  just how much I need that safe place.  Thankful for you Orsh .. 

Now that I embarrassed her, lol .. my blog is now complete .. until next blog ..